27 December 2008

Top Three Assholes of the Holiday Season

This past semester sunk its claws into my pecs and just wouldn't let go. Technically, it still hasn't let go, as I have a thesis to write--one that should have been at least started quite some time ago. I have a lot of work to do--and so, I decide to blog. And what is blogging to someone like me besides very cheap and much needed therapy? After such a lengthy hiatus from any real blogging--I don't know if what I did can really be considered real blogging--I've decided to take it easy and not address anything too existential. Today I will comment of my Top Three Assholes of the Holiday Season.

Coming in third place is this situation. I say 'situation' because, honestly, I have a hard time figuring out who exactly is the biggest asshole in this mess. I will preface this with a disclaimer to state the obvious: It is wrong to shoot anyone for any reason. There, now that that's out of the way...

Tip to the bullet-catcher: How about, next time, not talking through the flippin' movie? I can't begin to tell you how often I've wanted a gun because some jerk-off is yammering on throughout a film. Everyone knows it's rude. Everyone knows not to do it. But, yes, it's wrong to shoot people, so Mr. Shooterman wins today's prize. But Mr. Bullet-Catcher and his Yappy Family should, I hope, take something away from this beside a little lead: Shut your pie-hole when Brad Pitt is on the screen.

In second place, we have this rocket scientist, a study in how not to win back your boyfriend. So, Idiot--we'll call her 'Idiot'--makes up a baby to lure her ex-boyfriend back, and when he does right by showing up to address the new reality that he has a son, she says, oh....er...uh...he's missing. But think not of the child, LOVE ME! See, Idiot is a real forward thinker. She's always one step ahead. The best part is this description:
She claimed her infant son had a mohawk and a tattoo.
I laugh out loud every time I think of this. I am laughing right now. So, Idiot files a missing persons report, yadda, yadda, yadda, and wasted authorities' time on Christmas Eve, when I'm sure lots of horrible, real-life tragic events were occurring, you know, to people who could have used those resources. And it never once occurs to her that this can go nowhere but down. Down, down. Like, really badly down. And how about the boyfriend, whom we will call the Inadvertent Sucker? Inadvertent Sucker took an involuntary roller coaster ride at Mind Fuck Amusements this Christmas, c/o his Idiot ex. Good job, Idiot. Bravo!

The winner this year, as I'm sure you all guessed, is this waste of skin and hair (you should know that in order to find a link to provide here, I simply Goggled 'Santa rampage.' Something is wrong with the world).

So, guy is disgruntled because of a recent job-loss and a divorce (recent lay-offs and new divorcees across the country are scratching their heads and claiming they didn't know this was an option). Waste of Skin and Hair (WoS&H for the sake of brevity) dresses up like Santa Claus, shoots an 8-year-old girl in the face upon entering the domicile of his ex-wife's family, goes on a shooting 'rampage' (as my Google search would suggest), douses the place with racing fuel which prematurely ignites, receives third-degree burns, melts his Santa suit to his very own self, then drives to his brother's house, rigs explosives to his car, and offs himself. He didn't plan that last bit--he meant to go to Canada, and apparently live in the wilderness, or something. I can't imagine how he thought he might ever be able to live among the populace, even in heathen Canada, again.

Some might say that
WoS&H had deep psychological issues that were sparked by recent negative turn of events in his life. I would buy this, if it weren't for the fact that he deliberately dressed up as Santa---what? To finagle his way into the house? He had a gun! The first thing he did was shoot an 8-year-old girl in the face! And after wreaking so much havoc, it wasn't enough. He knew he was going to die but he couldn't stand the thought of not killing at least a few more people, so he rigs his car, you know, just to take out a few first responders.

No. This guy can't rely 'mental illness' to somehow explain his actions. The only reasonable explanation is that this guy was an asshole. Crime of passion? Momentary lapse in judgment? No. This guy wanted to create as much pain and suffering as he possible could. This guy was just an asshole. He was the kind of guy who deliberately drove through puddles while people with umbrellas walked along the side of the road, trying to stay dry. He was the kind of guy who left quarter tips and loosened the screw cap on the salt for the next diners to discover.

And today, I'm a big enough asshole to hope he had fun with that whole Santa suit melted into his very flesh thing. Congratulations to
Waste of Skin and Hair for being this year's number one Asshole of the Holiday Season, and almost guaranteeing a real-life Silent Night Deadly Night in the shape of that little girl in about 10-12 years.


  1. I still have to see Silent Night Deadly Night. You've inspired me to check Netflix for it right now.

  2. Oh, don't credit me, credit the Waste of Skin & Hair! I don't doubt that he's upped the rentals of that flick across the nation. *groan* :)